The Trail Sucked! No, It REALLY SUCKED!! Or did you like it? Post your Trash to the blog.

A brief background for those who might want to know:

Distaff Day:

1.  a staff for holding the flax, tow, or wool in spinning

2.  woman’s work or domain

3.  the female branch or side of a family

The days between Christmas (December 25) and Epiphany (January 6) were considered a time of rest from all but the most necessary labors. St. Distaff’s Day (January 7) is when all good housewives resumed their normal chores, including spinning. This day is also known as Roc or Rock Day. (“Rock” is another name for a distaff.)

Menfolk did not return to their work until the Monday following Twelfth Night.

Well, what better way to tell the “man” to shove a Distfaff up his arse than to have a hash?! GoLF and Barefoot Young Dung hared on a clear day Jan. 7^th to learn us real good about the holiday. We all paid attention b/c Barefoot wore his sexy maid outfit (from his closet?) and were rewarded with lots of boobies.

Lots of boobies, actually. But first, chalk talk introduced to the “Feather Duster” stop, and a personal favorite when I’m the only bimbo-on-trail: “Objectify a Male” stop, in which females get to spank the males. There were three aprons on trail, worn by Rolls Over Easy, Holey Busted Beaver, and Barefoot. Visitor David Coppafeel was from Princess’ mother-hash and was a treat for all. He even sang on trial in front of Hash-pooch, Dixie’s Dopalganger, on Montgomery. Meanwhile, in….Billy’s someone was hard at work creating a boobie collage in the mens’ bathroom!!! Just Amber gave a hands-on presentation to me about these collages.
Just Callie became quite good at using the Feather Duster, then we were off!

Gabe-R was a great help (boyscouter) to One Child…hehe. okay, okay, on to circle:8:::::|) We sang “I don’t wanna be a house-wife.” (Still need to work on that one, ladies.)  Then David Coppafeel himself presented two items up for grabs: a PURPLE shirt, and a green beanie! We were all swayed by the purple and the contest was….a DRINK OFF. Beast Master…bator, One Child Left Behind,  Mooseknuckle all vied for the prize. Then (in the first time I’ve ever seen Moose defated) BEAST MASTERBATOR won the drink off!!! (In a championship round, no less!) and won the purple tee shirt!

Since it was a lady-oriented hash, DC said that a skin-it-to-win-it was necessary to win the next prize. We then saw, not 1…but 10 boobies. GoLF, ROE, PoL, Apple,AND Worn-out Cocksucker‘s BOOBSSSS. It was glorious. Due to our virgin-eyes, and the fact that she took off entire layers to display her goodies, GoLF won, hands down, the skin-it. (And a beanie!!)

One Child Left Behind made out with the Hash-shit after he won it.

Kudos, to a very legit hash, hares. It was lots of fun

As per usual, Only 10% of this may or may not be true. 

On~on!!

The LIST SORRY DBCB

This is a cautionary tale cherishing childhood tradition and universal family values.  And since we’re an equal opportunity organization, it singles out one peculiar sect that has never been ridiculed before; the jews.  10% true (more like 3% in this economy).

‘Twas the Hash Before Channukah

‘Twas the hash before Channukah, when all through the pack,
Not a virgin was stirring, not even one with a nice rack.
The flour bags were hung by the menorah with chalk,
In hopes that thirsty turkeys would stroll by for a walk.

The jews were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of heBREWS down-downed in their heads.
And Nobody Came in small headgear, and Assquire in non-denominational cap,
Had just settled after pre-lay for a cheap jewish nap.

When out on the trail there arose such a clusterf*ck,
Emmett sprang from chalktalk and said ‘rutt’s rah rusterr*ck!’
Away to the first jewcheck Flo flew like a flash,
Tore open a trashcan and threw his hands up to the hash.

The ONE beer on the cusp of the new-fallen snow,

Gave Beast a stingy brew to which he couldn’t say no.
When what to his wondering eyes should appear,
But a pack of confused dogs and twenty confused hashers; sans beer!

Thence came a genital driver, so lively and quick,
They knew in a moment it must be One Small Dick.
More swiftly than eagles his hashdeer they came,
And he whistled, and On-On’d, and called them by name:

“Now Bush! Now, Cumsalot! Now, Bagger and Masturbator!
On, Sorry I F*cked Your Girlfriend! On, Squiddly! On Chunky and Master…Bator!
To the end of the park! To the end of sobriety!
Now drink it down! Drink it down! Drink it down with jew piety!”

As dry shiggy that before the wild hashers traversed,
When met with an obstacle (no beer) to Shaddai they cursed.
So up to the halfway the hashers they flew,
With a pack of still-sobers, and now auto-hashers too.

And then, in a twinkling, Nobody heard on the street,
The prancing and pawing of disgruntled wanker feet.
As Assquire drew a beer, and was turning around,
Past the driveway a Pedal flew by with a bound.

He was dressed in anti-semitism, from his head to his feelya,
And his clothes were all tarnished by boyscouting and beer memorabilia.
A bundle of beers he had bindled on his back,
And he looked like a jewish peddler, never sharing his pack.

His eyes-how obscured!  His boots-how shiggy!
His cheeks like bare asses, his songs- zoggy-ziggy!
The pack could care less and enjoyed the hot toddies,
Content to relieve themselves on the fire with no potties.

But soon time had cum to resume trail, candled and starry,
With the promise to all of more beer, except Calamari.
More parks ensued with more brew-laden trashcans,
All but one stop was raided, left for kids and homeless hash fans.

Finally was found the end and on-after,
Sure to involve more bystanding children and awkward laughter.
Some hashers arrived at shalom circle in the park,
While others shortcutted to Came’s house with nary a remark.

Circle was quick and Nobody Came did actually cum,
And hashers on-after’d to dreidel and drink themselves dumb.
They reveled in JewTube and Keyless’ latke delight:
proclaiming “Happy Channukah to all, and to all a drunk jewey night!

Jews and Anti-Semites (you decide) in attendance:

1. Nobody Came – Hare

2. Suck for A Buck, Assquire – Hare

3. Sir Cumsalot

4. Sorry I Fucked Your Girlfriend

5. The Bush Whisperer

6. Studless

7. The Beastmaster…Bator

8. One Small Dick For Mankind

9. Chunky Brewster

10. Florence Nightingale

11. Double Barrel Cougar Bagger

12. Barefoot Youngdung

13. Pedal Feelya

14. Male Order Masturbator

15. Squiddly Diddly

16. Keyless Entry

17. Calamari

18. Likes It In The Face – On-After

19. Just Micah

20. Just Lori

21. Just Brandon

22. Just Jessica

23. Virgin Frank

After two weeks of dismal weather, the hash gods decided to smile upon the pack on the day of the infamous Jingle Balls special, hosted by none other  than Andy “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year” Williams himself. In true Andy W. fashion, he managed to finagle a lovely harriette (Just Erin) to “help” him lay trail. The pack gathered in the CVS parking lot on Tramway in full-on holiday regalia: santas and elves (bromancers Maiden & Moose were quite fetching), and jingle ball bedecked harriettes. The merriment and festivity soon ebbed as it was discovered that there was NO BEER to pre-lube with, and as usual, we were on “Andy Williamstime” which meant the pack got a late start. Luckily, we had a visitor (the GM, no less) of the Border Jumpers Hash house, Cums, Dumps, Goes, and he was kind enough to share his vodka and O.J. with a couple lucky harriettes (it was delicious). The hares finally showed up and Princess Albert gave chalk talk to the five virgins who were offered up for sacrifice. As part of their sacrifice they were asked to do an interpretive dance to “I’m a little Tea Pot”. The sole female virgin was lucky enough to be sandwiched by four male virgins. Princess wrapped up chalk talk and the pack was off. On their way out of the parking lot they came across hare Andy W. who somehow managed to use his smooth charm to talk them out of depantsing him. The pack followed trail across Tramway and soon found themselves in the snow-covered shiggy. This shiggy was made even more interesting by the hidden cacti found underneath the snow by unsuspecting hashers. Our brave hashers persevered and continued on through the snow/cactus/shiggy, and through large areas of what looked like open land but was, “private property guarded by an electric fence” according to one resident who also said he wasn’t liable if his dogs bit us. Hmm…I don’t recall seeing any fences, other than a one-foot border. After a seemingly never-ending uphill run (several harriettes lost their cojones) the eagles finally managed to make it to the beer stop (just past the cool Bart Prince house that we’re taking up a collection to buy…only 2.5 mil…GoLF thinks we can raise that quickly…we’re good at raising things…) During the beer stop the pack was introduced to a NEW SONG (yay!) Cums, Dumps, Goes decided to take us shopping in Chicago. Amazingly, we actually caught on rather quickly.

The second half of trail was downhill (what a relief!) After some snow angel making in an arroyo, everyone made it back to the CVS parking lot where there was still NO BEER. Luckily, a delicious keg of Nexxus Scottish Ale was waiting for us at the On-After (a special Jingle Ball treat!!) The sun was starting to go down (the sun likes to do that too) and hashers jumped into cars and reconvened at Casa de Bobber and Glow for circle and the on-after. Hare Andy Williams was pulled into circle, but his cohare was nowhere to be found. LINT graciously stepped in as cohare for the down-down. The virgins were asked to give a reenactment of their tea pot dance and Just Liz had to drink out of her pretty brand new black and hot pink shoes (purchased on the way to trail!) Moose did a great job as the down-down demo dude, but was unfortunately injured and had to be escorted out of circle. Luckily, we had prophylaxis and were able to prevent further injuries. It was getting colder by the minute, andFlo provided several harriettes with his meat blanket services. Just as circle was about to be wrapped up, cohare Just Erin showed up and the pack discovered her reason for being late…she had been detained by two enormous icy co*ks, which she had in tow. The pack couldn’t argue with that excuse, and welcomed her (and her icy co*ks) with open arms into circle. Circle got a little out of hand when it was discovered that Just Erin had also brought alcoholic whipped cream for her co*ks.Princess A was mesmerized by GoLF and Yours Truly demonstrating what really goes down at the Sisters y Sexo A*S hashes. Yummy! Everyone was so elated that they decided it was high time to name Just Erin, who has been loyally attending hashes since her arrival in NM. Several names were thrown out and stories to be told, but all anyone could think of was the gigantic ice co*ks and soon settled on the name “Cold Co*k”. Apparently, the Houston Hash House is trying to modify the name…WTF? There was no gobbling in that circle, just a lot of licking and sucking.

Circle dispersed and hungry hashers went inside to partake in the delicious feast prepared. When everyone was satiated, the new MisManagement Erection results were announced:

We’ll do our best to make sure your hashes are mismanaged and that you’re exposed to even more naughty fun!

Next up came hash awards. It was decided that hashers had to be present to win (we just wanted to drink all the booze…you snooze, you lose…I’m a poet too…) and the WINNERS ARE:

Best Trail - Doc & DBCB for the Trail Of Beers Hash – gave a whole new meaning to “shiggy!”…gelatinous muck!

Best On-After - Glow & Bobber for Andy Williams Jingle Balls X-Mas Special Hash – that was some fine MEAT!!

Best Dressed - Barefoot for J-Zombie costume – even sexier that B herself!

Most Traveled – GoLF  - it’s on GoLF!! (but let’s still share whipped cream)

Most Improved - One Child Left Behind – finally learned to take his ear phones out!

Best New ABQ Hasher Name- Sorry I Fucked Your Girlfriend –‘nuff said!!

Most Appropriate Hash Behavior - Princess Albert for the most deceiving yet brilliant master plan of making us all believe that he was going to be deployed to the Middle East all so that he could just weasel his way into moving in with WYN-B? – What do you mean you’re not even in the Air Force?!?

Hash Shit - Pedal Feelya – he earned that sh*t!

The Best Interpretive Dance - Gynomyte! – It was a close race…Shiterella managed to leave the law books behind and showed up just in time to join Yours Truly for an encore performance of the infamous “Banana Dance” which first debuted at the Ojito Hash. Gynomyte! gave an encore  performance of the “Sandwich Dance” (the pack really likes food). Gynomyte! once again had the male hashers spellbound with the mythical Sandwich Dance…dare to dream boys!

Most Undressed - American Pie - Pie demonstrated to everyone why she earned “Most Undressed” and even ended up with a third nipple which she encouraged everyone to pinch.

Lastly, was the white elephant gift exchange (which doubled as a lesson…we all learned some new words to add to our vocabularies and some new fun things to try).Nobody Came also found his long lost mini-me.

As per usual, the party started winding down with One Child passed out on the couch and looking like a sleepy angel (not) and Lindsay Lohan and Just Caseygetting lost outside.

Thanks to Bobber and Glow for hosting us wankers again and being great hosts. It’s been a great year of hashing. Lots of new faces, new positions to try, new crap beer to drink, and more revelry and mischief to be had! Cheers my lovely wankers and wankettes. See you at the Chanukah Chash then it’s On-On into the New Year!

ON-ON!! –/–/–/à WYN-B?

Hashers in Attendance:

Disclaimer: 90% of this account may or may not be true and may cause unusual cravings for enormous ice co*ks

More proof that the ABQH3 is a bunch of lazy bastards – only FIVE of us showed up to the hash that Saturday.

Holey Busted Beaver and Moose saw Gabe-R in his sexy Jeep, on the highway zenning Chuckles’ directions.

Saving the hash from ending up with the hares and hounds drinking at the trailhead were Santa Fe hounds Glamour Gams, Might-Go-Feelya and Mountain Fountain AND Santa Fe Ruggers!!

Mooseknuckle and yours truly began humping the rugby toting SUVs upon arrival (as most were former Techies). Actual humping of said ruggers may or may not have followed.

Hares Loves her Licker, Chuckles, and Silent-but-Deadly laid a Turkey and Eagle. Ironically, the Eagle trail was the one with the Wild Turkey at the “summit.” Shouts of “Dammit, Chuckles!” and “Your dog has four legs, let him use it!” were heard throughout the day.

I think we gained something like 69,000 ft in elevation since Might-Go had his GPS TECHNOLOGY ON TRAIL. When we reached the Santa Fe River, Virgin Elden had “Blood on Trail” and Just Dylan tried to go swimming. Just Mandy however, gracefully and sexily showed all how to cross the river. (I, on the other hand just solicited the help of an older gentleman).

Upon stumbling back to Circle, it was discovered that the hares left THEIR BAG OF FLOUR on trail!! Sir Cums A lot and the rest of us wondered what to do with the lost property; Mooseknuckle then proceeded to take matters into his own hands and lay a direct trail before RA-ing the Circle. We all proved to be voyeurs as we watched Pooch Sunny lick peanut butter off Just Pablo. I will not tell where. And, since there were ruggers, people were pantsed and penis was to be seen.

- Holey Busted Beaver

1. Just Pablo

2. Gabe R

3. Sir Cumsalot

4. Chuckles – Hare

5. Loves Her Licker – Hare

6. Mooseknuckle

7. Holey Busted Beaver

8. Silent-But-Deadly – Hare

9. Glamour Gams

10. Might-Go-Feelya

11. Fountain Mountain

12. Just Elden – Virgin

13. Just Pat

14. Just Mandy – Virgin

15. Just Royce – Virgin

16. Just Dillon – Virgin

17. Just John – Virgin

An enthusiastic group of fanatic hashers arrived at the UNM football parking lot to partake in some tailgating hasher-style and to cheer on the Lobos (actually, some bast*rds were cheering for the other team). The game didn’t actually start until 8:00 p.m., but we wanted to get nice and lubed up by starting six hours earlier. Plus, it was Flo’s birthday and therefore a certifiable reason to celebrate (as if we need one).

Hashers slowly drifted in, looking for the tailgate spot, which was pretty inconspicuous. No need to call attention to ourselves, right? WRONG! Before long, we were joined by two sheriffs. No, they weren’t there to arrest us, but had been lured in by our charm and good looks. DBCB took full advantage of that, and made sure they knew his full hash name (they were two lady sheriffs).  DBCB was pretty suave, considering he had just had an unfortunate “occurrence” at the porta-potties. Note to self: DO NOT use a porta-potty while with a group of hashers). Meanwhile, several hashers received desperate messages from a Lost Vegas hasher (I’m assuming he really was lost because his t-shirt said so). Chunky Brewster finally made his way to the pack, and offered his hand to DBCB who stated that he couldn’t shake hands because he had piss all over his (taking Pissanya to a whole new level…don’t worry DBCB…it means we love you, although I’m not sure if Pissonme has the same meaning…) Before we knew it, we had a posse of Sheriffs surrounding our tailgate. We thought they were just enthralled with us because we’re so witty and fun, but it seems that they were just looking for food.  They did seem pretty amused with our singing and chalk talk, and we tried to get them to join the dark side by handing them some hash business cards. Chalk talk was short and sweet because for once, there were no virgins. Sad? Maybe, but at least we all knew what we were doing. The small group of eagles set off, most notably, Princess Albert who made an impressive display for the lady sheriffs, only to turn around and return to the tailgate shortly after the start, having never left the parking lot (this also resulted in him claiming to be the FRB..hmmm).

The hares led the eagles into treacherous shiggy territory. Maiden and Shiterella had to carry their hounds. The water supply off KAFB must drain into that area, because only radioactive waste could produce the GOUSs (goat heads of unusual size) that were abundant and found their way into everyone’s clothing. The ankle-breaking lava rock added to the fun. So much for urban trail.

After narrowly escaping the wasteland, the brave eagles continued on through a hilly park before finally making their way back to Central, just in time to reconnect with the turkeys. The first beer stop was at Coaches, where Hare Just Paul “Pablo” ran into his 5^th grade teacher, which was a good thing, because he seems to have issues adding up his tab. They apparently had a long time to get to know each other, as Just Paul spent three years in grade five with her. He may need a fourth go to refresh his counting abilities.  

The beer stop was short and sweet and the last half of trail was pretty straightforward…back to the tailgate! Right? Wrong. Although hares Doc Aand Just Paul had pre-laid trail, Just Paul got lost on the way back and led a group of eagles back to circle on an completely unmarked “trail”. E.T.managed to make it to circle without making himself sick from being a racist bast*rd.

Our Religious Advisor Princess A tried several times to get everyone’s attention for circle. Lesson learned: hashers get very distracted by food. The returned hashers swarmed the food table as if they hadn’t eaten in days. Princess finally managed to get most of the hashers in circle. Those who were busy cooking were excused (for obvious reasons).

At this point, it had started to get dark and was getting colder by the minute. The usual accusations were thrown out, and the visitors introduced. Now that we’ve met you, Chunky Brewster, we’d love to meet your wife “Blew Chunks”.  The hash did manage to name two justs. The pack decided it was very appropriate (WTF? We did something appropriate?) to give an honorary (albeit well-deserved) name to someone who has always been there for us…taking care of drunken wanks, providing food (he makes one delicious pie!), driving people, recycling our numerous beer cans and bottles, etc. I first met Just Joaquin a.k.a. “Support Staff” at the Run for Beer 5K last year. IBJ was exclaiming , “Can you believe I get to have sex with this guy every night??” and I knew she had found her soul mate. They are always there for each other, so much so in fact, that that IBJgraciously offered him her penis <whistle> before he entered circle. This got the pack so excited that it didn’t take long to settle on “Sucks Her Penis” as a name.  Welcome SHP!

One successful naming down and Just Christin (who was carrying on a private party in the background) was quite surprised to find herself pulled into circle. She was asked to demonstrate her favorite sexual position and hinted at her fondness for redheads by pulling Little Red Running Bush into the circle with her. It was a nice send off for LRRB who sadly, is leaving us. LRRB – you won’t find any wooded forests and wolves in Hawaii, FYI, but you will find lots of Spam.) A few salacious stories were relayed to the pack, particularly one in which Just Christin managed to seduce the girlfriend of one of her guy friends and as a result got her foot broken. Luckily, Just Christin is a charitable and loving soul and managed to make the peace by apologizing with a heartfelt “sorry I fuc*ed your girlfriend”.  Thus she shall be known from this day forward as “Sorry I Fuc*ed Your Girlfriend”!SIFYG (sci-fig?)

The pack was very smug with themselves and decided to try to name Just Paul, but after several attempts were made, they got tired and decided to try another time. Sorry Just Pablo…it seems we can’t put out more than twice a night (plus the enticing smells of all the wonderful food being prepared by the chef hashers had everyone distracted). Circle would not be complete, however, without one final hurrah for our beloved Princess, who decided to skip out on winter and summer in the desert instead. Let’s hope we see him again soon. LRRB…we’ll miss you (but at least you’ll have a good ole Anal Massage!) Circle ended with a fast-moving rendition of Swing Low (where’s Gams when we need him?) Circle was closed and the pack descended upon the feast.

The Lobos must have felt our presence because they actually WON!!!  woof woof woof!!!

Gentle reminder: hashers – get some new digits in your phones. Doc A doesn’t like to be bothered while laying <trail> (but at least he’s laying something!)

Special thanks for Glow and Bobber for bringing their camper and supplies, lobo hat and santa hat clad Cockpit and Fried who brought their portable “tailgate in a truckbed” including swanky turf dance floor, Keyless who made some amazing wings (the secret is out…best in town!), 24 Carat Gold (softer than Iron) Chef Andy Williams who showed up just in time to cook up some amazing elk chili and stuffed jalapenos during circle and acted as grill master, and all the other chefs who provided the delicious feast.

On-On!!! –/–/–> WYN-B?

Hashers in attendance:

Only 10% of this is purportedly true.

Reminder: Only 10% of this is true.

Remember, only 10% of this is possibly true.