Courtesy of: E Whore & Just Kevin
TRAIL
A good lot of hashers met in Los Ranchos. Not at Hops Brewery but across the street (and up the road) at Mandy’s Farm. It’s a good thing we were there, because I ain’t gonna work on Maggie’s farm no more. After attiring themselves in the finest cherry and Nipponophile apparel, every hasher got two tickets. Not good for the carnival, no good for the whorehouse. Little did we know we were about to be treated to a very good (Turkey!) trail by haring by himself for the first time E Whore. The first ticket was redeemed at the first turtle check at the Los Ranchos bakery. This is where the best key lime pie in the city is available, but a ticket don’t buy that. Hounds exchanged red paper for biscochitos, croissants, brownies, cookies, turnovers, danishes, henways, and even a brisk San Pellegrino for PG 6”.
Flour and chalk led the pack down many of the lesser used roads and occasional acequias (baby arroyos) within Los Ranchos. Trail was punctuated by a beer check or two and a sake check or three. E Whoredressed his face the best for trail by trimming facial hare into what I’d call the wizened Hokkaido cop horseshoe. What would you call it? The eagles…uh…enjoyed many a straightaway, jogging past the famed Los Poblanos en route to a turtle check. This seemingly innocuous intersection in the back bit of Los Ranchos was apparently the busiest bit of asphalt in the zip code at this hour. Strollers, sedans, trucks, and babies had to dodge hashers coarse mouths, garbage, and a Rainier cherry-esque beach ball there. I think we left just in time.
On the final leg of trail, those who know how to follow marks of flour found the On In at the friendly confines of Just Sonja’s driveway. But for those who really wanted to get in their miles, enjoyed ignoring the pleas of their fellow half minds, and really believed in roads intersecting, an additional mile could be attained by running back to the start. How’d that work out, Gherkin, Fuckin In Tents, and Are You In?
CIRCLE
Once the r@cists were contacted and jumped in their cars to make the On In (pro move, thanks for the ride, Gherkin), it was time for circle. The hares were recognized first for their bakery stop ( an outstanding invention), the sake stop (plum FTW), and, um not having narwhals at the llama check? Well, drink anyways! Virgins followed. Their preferred pornographies were hairy goats for Just Sonja, anything LIVE for Just Chingaso. Both would fail their straight arm down downs. Health insurance doesn’t cover drinker’s elbow, people! Visitors featured Sitting Bull and Taxi Ho from Hill Country H3, and Chuckles from up in SF, who treated everyone to the Bicycle Built for Two song. Can you name any other hash tune that’s featured in a Kubrick movie? Honestly, tell me if you do.
R@cist recognition featured Bear Moans as FRB, his hash wife Calculanus (don’t even think about touching her coozie!) as FBI, and their hash son Gherkin as DFL. How embarrassing! Maybe next time you’ll treat my advice as manna from heaven next time. New jobs were recognized for Party Pooperand Tip of the Assberg. Look for them working the catty (kitty?) corners of Central and Edith. Only $20 for under the shirt on Tip! Hey Ho (you know, like the Lumineers song?) also earned his first hash collar, which he actually wore skiing on Sunday. Try-hard alert!
ON AFTER
You were waiting to find out what the second ticket was for, eh? Well I won’t leave you hanging, it was good for a free beer back at Hops. Good on you, E Whore. Tip your beermeister, folks. Did you know he’s been buying the NA in the coolers out of his own pocket? No good deed goes unpunished, shall he be iced for his generosity?
ANNOUNCEMENTS
· If you drink green beer while wearing a green dress, it’s impossible to get a DUI.
· Next CLiT is at Rio Bravo in Wells Park with Karaoke!
· Your bracket will bust quicker than a 14 year old’s nut
THIS WEEK IN HASHTORY
· 1800 BC – Ninkasi, the Sumerian goddess of brewing, and one true deity of hashing is, uh, workshopped in the desert. Don’t forget your goat sacrifice!
· 1980 – Founding of Pittsburgh H3
· 2021 – Very Cherry Trail, proof of concept for further trails in Los Ranchos, is successful!