Courtesy of: Barefoot Youngdung & Breaking Vag
TRAIL
It was an early hour to start a trail, but LOTS of hounds showed up on time. This was clearly not a trail to miss. Parked under the bridge just across the Rio from Bosque Brewing, crafts of every size and shape were inflated, drained, tested, and trusted before their trial by sea. Inner tubes, vinyl tubes, double tubes, unicorns, cooler floats, kayaks, canoes, proas, clippers, schooners, and ketches as could be caught crowded the dusty riverbank. The hares held a pre-wet safety circle for a few reasons: identify virgins, make sure all had libations and PFDs, and to understand the marks. Scientists have of pondered the difficulty of laying flour in a moving river, but the hares found a way around – or rather over – the issue. Laminated paper marks would be posted by the hares en route on the river from the swift and agile folding kayaks. The hounds also counted off (by twos, even hounds can do binary) to separate the pack to avoid crowding and bunching at launch. It totally worked!
The first hounds into the current remarked how COLD it was. This ceased to be a problem after passing out from under the bridge’s umbra. The seaworthiness of each vessel would be tested within the first hundred yards. At the very first turn, Easy 2 Please’s tube was punctured by every tuber’s nemesis: an amateur canoeist named Cole! Deep In The Throat of Tex Mex would suffer a similar fate, but each would find additional craft available. Remember kids, if you wanna meet hotties on the river, just carry a spare rubber
As the hounds settled into the flow, a few things occurred. #1, titties came out, G be praised. I did my best to teach Poonie’s progeny the sweep technique, to look at boobs without staring. #2, flotillas were formed. Clusters of tubes bonded together by hand and by rope to shoot the shit more easily. I know one was named the Hoetilla. Did your faction have a moniker? These worked great until turns or water shiggy were encountered. Each produced furious, if variably effective, paddling to escape danger. Good entertainment if you ask me. And #3, a black market of beverage exchange grew, everyone eager to spice up their own six pack. And without any rapids to negotiate or storms to steer clear of, the pack was free to settle in and drink.
And drink they did. This turned into a long and lubricated day. Pro move #1: It is highly recommended to bring fizzy water and sodas or NA beverages until at least the halfway point. This produces the effect of feeling like you showed up later, even though you didn’t miss anything. To be considered! Anyway, the first BC was found on an island at the hairpin. Here the virgins were introduced again and grilled in an occasionally flattering game of Fuck, Marry, Kill. Just a game, right? Costco special hard (unfrozen, but chilled) freeze pops were available and then it was back to the water.
There were a few whichy-ways on the middle portion. I took river left on both. It was slow but gentle on the first, and utterly slow on the second so I just got out and walked. Lesson learned: Choose The Right, just like the Mormons. The lead flotilla missed the second beer check, as Barefoot forgot to deadlay the mark, and had to paddle furiously to waylay the FRBs, so they could pull over and hike back on shore. Pro move #2: take opportunities to re-apply sunscreen when you get them. This is a great way to have a stranger grease up your backside. By this point on the river, the pack had also picked up some muggles drawn to the scents of beer and bonhomie.
From here it was a straight shot down the river to the On In at Trailhead (who said head!?) Beach. Crafts were lugged ashore, and more than a few sandals were lost to the heavy-suction river mud.
CIRCLE
Once all river rats were accounted for, circle was ordained in the shady woods to the tune of The North Atlantic Squadron. Virgins were introduced once more and taught The Ways of the Down Down, which led to some impressive straight-arm drinking. It certainly helps to already be wearing wet clothes. Prodigal boots and visitors followed, FRBs and FBIs were skipped as being #1 was…less impressive with the river doing all the work for you. This did not stop Gherkin & Gaston (new cop show coming this fall on Netflix?) from paddling their butts off only to be rewarded with – a fish hook! This let them practice their upstream paddling, delivering the beer to the DFLs.
After that my notes say “Namings?” and trails off. Circle was wrapped to safely deliver folks and their belongings to the start. One of the muggles elected to make his way further down river, and didn’t maintain buoyant stability going over the rapids. EZ and McRib ensured he was okay. In somewhat of a mad scramble for the cars, there was some lost/misplaced property, but all hashers were accounted for.
The On After was at Tin Can Alley, which is a great place for arepas. I heard tell it’s also a great place to get cuh-raaaay? Good thing this was a Saturday trail.
ANNOUNCEMENTS
· CLiT is tomorrow at Alien Brewing in Uptown
· Full moon is Wednesday, true trail less than 4 miles, on the southwest side.
· PRIDE trail is Saturday, so uh Let’s Go Bark Trail Qualms In Albquerque!
THIS WEEK IN HASHTORY
· 1919 – First blimping under the influence arrest made in Germany
· 1993 – Founding of Kiev H3
· 2015 – Sir Cumsalot suspected as patient zero for Chikungunya, revealed to be just green chile gas