Location– Differential Brewery in Albuquerque
The Hares – Barefoot Youngdun (you’re gonna need to help me with the spelling on this one Barefoot!), Piggy Style, Extra Virgin Gherkin Jerkin
The Trail
Twas the night before Hashmas, when all through the house. Not a hasher was stirring, not even a Calc; the hab socks were hung by the stripper pole with care, In hopes that Dot Dot Dot soon would be there; the half-minds were nestled all drunk in their beds; While visions of free beer danced in their heads;
and Geek in his night robe, with Lorna lost in the hills, had just settled our circles for next year’s trails, when out ……
Eh I tried! I have too short of an attention span to rewrite this entire poem. Anywho… It’s that time for the XXXmas Trail Hash Trash!
It was a glorious day some might say. It was Saturday after all, and Saturday is a hashing day in this place we call Albuquerque, New Mexico. They call me Gherkin, and I have been tasked with regaling you with a tail of the XXXmas trail. So it begins..
The hares for this day were none other than three of our most r#cist wankers – Barefoot, Piggy, and Gherkin. The meet time was 12:00 PM for this trail (not everyone got the memo because not all of our pack is literate😊). The hares were beat to the start by none other than Just Brian. Apparently, he is not yet familiar with hash time, but don’t worry! He will learn.
Soon after our newest transplants, Lorna Dunes, and Geek arrived, and Didda Grinch’s Foreskin. Shortly after around 50 (yes 50!) hashers of all shapes, sizes, costumes, and levels of hangover arrived. The chalk talk was handled by Piggy Style and the pack was sent off from Differential to start their day.
The trail had one Turkey-Eagle split before the beer check. The Eagle took our r*nners through the CNM Campus where they were treated with some views of art, and a nicely wrapped holiday shot or two (the holiday themed shots were a hit! Just ask Jibberwhore and Geek) The Eagles soon met up with the Turkeys after hitting a couple nicely laid YBFs (that spells out ‘You’ve Been Fucked’ for those of you who have never listened to a single chalk talk). After looping around the Loma Linda Community Center, and getting a mean 2-2.5 miles in on the Eagle (1- 1.5 on the Turkey by my estimate), the pack hit the beer check at Piggy Style’s casa. Butter rum, Natty Light, and NA beer was served up for all and one of the hallmark moments of trail soon started…. The Hashy Awards! (idk wtf we call it but that’s what I am titling it in here, get over it!)
The ‘Hasher Formerly Known as Tip’, our former co-Grand Master, handled the award ceremony with poise. The best trail of the year was voted on and awarded to EZ to Please’s Festivus Trail! It is worth mentioning that this trail also had the highest attendance of the year discounting none event trails! Some other honorable mentions that were nominated were the River Float Hash Hared by Breaking Vag and Barefoot, Ojito hared by Barefoot, Gherkin and Moans, Very Cherry Trail by Eeewhore, and the Triwizard Tournament of Champions by TACO and Oxford.
The WORST Trail of the Year award was HOTTLY (almost as hot as the trail that killed everyone…more on that shortly) contested by Oxford Coma’s Child Killer Trail of Despair, otherwise known as the D & D Trail, and Dot Dot Dot’s Beer Week Trail which featured a possible gun wielded, meth dealer who was pretending to be disabled in a wheel chair. The pack deliberated on this for quite some time before awarding the worst trail of the year to Oxford’s D & D Trai. (we love you Oxford, better luck next year!)
The best beer check was another close competition. Nominations went to Whole Lotta Cum and IBS’s Full Moon Hash which featured a beer check in a storm drain under the road, Eeewhore’s Bakery Check at the Very Cherry Trail, and the Cinco De Mayo Trail Beer Check at the arroyo hared by Bear a Moans and Sir Cums a Lot. The winner went to the Cinco De Mayo Trail because of the added option of swimming across the Arroyo to get to the beer check. It was a hot day! (just don’t be dumb like that Gherkin guy and get fully submerged in an arroyo)
The Best On After award was contested between the Birds and Burglars Trail, and Sir’s Old Timer’s Hash (if there were other contestants I forget, apologies). The Old Timer’s Hash won out in this category.
The Best Bringer of Virgins Award overwhelmingly went to our former hare raiser, DOT, for bringing our new Religious Advisor (RA), Geolojizz into the fold. The Most Lost on Trail Award went to Lorna Dunes because Geek was too lost on trail to accept the award himself. The most Creative Trail of the year award went to the 2-2-2 (Tutu) Trail hared by Whale’s Vagina and Whole Lotta Cum with honorable mentions to the Triwizard Trail, and the Very Cherry Trail. The Worst Circle Location immediately went to Gaston and Boc-Boc-Boccake’s West Side Trail for almost getting the packed run over by cars 169 times and a grumpy neighbor filming our entire circle from her window.
Last but not least, a 25 plus pound bag of flour was awarded to the person who hared the most trails of the year and that person was one of our veterans hares –Barefoot Youngdun! We appreciate the effort of this former GM (and many other positions) and hope to see many more futures trails hared by this r*cist wanker.
After the closing of the awards ceremony, the pack took off for the remainder of trail. Two more Eagle split followed with some more gift wrapped shots to find. The second Eagle split took the r*nners through the cemetery and to the back of the brewery for the On In. The total Eagle mileage was a respectable 5-5.5 miles with the Turkeys Estimated at 2.5-3 miles. Circle commenced in the back patio of Differential, with pizzas, locally brewed (and hasher owned) beer provided to the pack, and Erection Results!
The 2023 Misman was announced and the results of this will soon be posted to the Facebook Page. The usual circle business followed with the accolades being called out. The FRB for the first time in the 169 years of hash existence was none other than Geek, the FBI was Calculanus (maybe? I can’t remember who knows but I’m sure someone does). The DFL also escapes me but I would guess it was also somehow Geek for disappearing during the entire trail. Virgins were called in as usual, accusations of all sorts were thrown around, and a merry time was had by all before cumming inside for the White Elephant Gift Exchange. The night was noted as a huge success and I wish next year’s hares luck in topping this one 😊
ANNOUNCEMENTS!!!
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Tuesday 12/20/2022 – Winter Solistice ClIT Trail – meet @ 12605 Turquoise Trl NE, Albuquerque, NM 87123-1558, United States at 6:30 PM Mountain Time for a CLIT Trail hared by your new hare raiser Whale’s Vagina and outgoing hare raiser, Dot Dot Dot.
Saturday 12/25/2022 – Xmas Eve Hash – for an Xmas Eve Hash hosted by Man Candy and Whole Lotta Cum.
On on!